Before my minister left he preached a sermon series on the letters to the churches at the beginning of Revelation. A question he kept posing was “what would Jesus call us (the church)?”. One morning I heard- the comfortable church.
If you want to read what Jesus said to the churches then, read the first 3 chapters of Revelation (yeah- in the Bible).
Maybe i’m grieving… I don’t know. But me and Church at the moment is a wierd thing. Came home from it yesterday and felt totally depressed. Moped around for the rest of the day as a result. Am wavering between being committed to the cause and wanting to chuck it all in.
I’ve got lots of questions…
Is this about being the ‘comfortable’ church?
Is God showing/ telling me something of what He sees/ feels?
If so, why, when I don’t have the energy or desire, or even the ability (?) to do something about it? Ability is the wrong word… can’t find the one I want.
Would changing churches actually solve things?
Am I brave enough to leave? (I’ve spent so long being the ‘good’ girl…)
Am I making more of this than it really is?
Is the little child in me upset because she’s not getting her own way?
What’s the point? Who’s going to answer these questions and would knowing the answer actually help me? I’m sad.
Last week someone said to me: “I hear that you’re unhappy”. After a few moments of ‘oh my goodness me, where did you hear that?’ and ‘what’s mum been saying?’ I tried to put my head and mouth into gear and not reveal too much of myself.
I have been unhappy, and angry too… and trying to hide it all. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my family have heard me raving and ranting lately, so I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that they want to stand up for me and be protective. That’s their job.
I am a self confessed control freak. But it’s this ‘nature’ of mine that is causing the unhappy and the angry. And now I feel like a little bit of my ‘protective’ wall has been peeled away.
If I’m honest (even just for a minute) I’ve been unhappy for a while now. The Church that I chose to stay and be a part of, to stay and be part of the solution is a place where all I feel is overworked and taken advantage of. I don’t know where I fit and it’s uncomfortable and unsettling and confusing.
So yes, I am unhappy- even a feeling a little bit exposed. Am getting over the anger. Why is it so hard for me to tell people face to face?
Well it’s happened. We (that is my sister and I) found a house. It’s all a bit scary and exciting. Have spent the last week chasing people for paperwork. Very tedious- all I want to do is pack and move in. I’ve had my panic about money too- no doubt I will again… and again. All I know is that I wouldn’t lend money to me- it doesn’t make human sense.
But I do know that it makes God sense.
Lots of other stuff happening too. Am in the middle of doing a marching band gig at the Royal Show. Only 5 nights this time (last time we did this we were on every night and it just about killed us).
Been really angry too and ready to ‘chuck in’ a few things. Not my normal self. Moments of extreme blondness too. Not sure what’s going on.