Unexpected

Had a lovely 24 hours or so with one of my nephews sleeping over. We went ice skating and had a lot of fun together. Memories I will cherish forever.

This afternoon I’ve been really teary and upset- a mix, I thought of being cold (I got wet at baseball today) and tired. Unexpectedly, a couple of hours sleep later I’m still upset.

There is evidence everywhere of my nephew being here. Lego on the floor and a tree house Lego sculpture he made for me. Remnants of play dough hair from when he played with my ‘buzz cuts’ play dough toy.

My heart is asking ‘why’? Why did I miss out on having children of my own? What is wrong with me that no one ever wanted to be with me, let alone have a family with me?

I have so much love within me to give and share… and here I am all alone. I get that I’m feeling sorry for myself right now, but it still doesn’t address the underlying desire I have to be a mum.

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Today’s song

“Come Thou Fount (I Will Sing)”

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing 
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I’m fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing 

Oh to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Chris Tomlin

Unexpected…

and overwhelmed. I’m feeling very low and sad today with no reason that I can think of.

I’ve come off some of my anxiety/depression medication. My choice and I’m still glad I did it. Some of the ‘fog’ I’ve been living in has lifted and I’m feeling things again. But that’s also a problem, as I’m feeling things again, and when it happens unexpectedly or without a reason I get all tied up in my head trying to work out why.

My house is extremely messy which I know is not helping. That’s the overwhelming part- so much to do and I’m not able to do anything. I’m trying to do one small thing at a time, start in one place… it’s just that it’s not as simple as doing one small thing as ‘there’s always a hole in the bucket’ and completing one thing is dependent on something else that needs doing.

And the energy I need to get up and do one thing… wears me out. Ridiculous.

I wish the endorphins from yesterday’s baseball games hung around. Trying to do some creative and fun things for me…

Stop complaining

Birthday

We should have celebrated this together today. Yet most of me is relieved that we didn’t- I didn’t have to think of a present for you, think about party options or worry about how you would behave at family celebrations today.

The pain I feel about how bad things were is still there. The pain I feel about losing you is still there.

The anger I feel towards you is still there. I did not deserve to be treated that way.

You did not deserve to be treated in such a way that put you in the care system either. And I’m angry that the system cannot give you what you need.

I don’t have the answers. Anniversary #1 without you. Happy 14th birthday.

Mother’s Day

No, you were never my biological child, but I thought of you as mine. I loved you as if you were. My family loved you as if you were too.

Continually pushed away. Not allowed to call you daughter, or foster daughter. I never wanted to take the place of your real mum- I never could. When things got too big and overwhelming you ran away.

There’s a big, empty hole in my life, in my heart. I miss you.

Mother’s Day was never a big celebration for us, but I hoped in time that you would consider me as a mum-like figure in your life.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you needed.

This mother’s heart is broken.

Gone

It’s a week now since we both made the decision to part ways. It’s like death- I haven’t seen her since school drop off Tuesday last week. All her possessions have been boxed up and dropped off so they can be taken to her new accommodation. All of a sudden she is gone.

And while I couldn’t continue to care for her, there’s still part of me that feels like I failed her.

Grieving from such close quarters is new to me. I’m learning.

Memories everywhere, both good and bad. I’m stuck between wanting to clean everything up and not being able to bring myself to do it. Lots to do yet no drive to do it. Maybe I’m just being lazy.

See I’d planned on forever- when 18 came she would not be pushed out the door but always welcome to stay as long as she wanted. I’d thought about putting money aside so she could buy a car. I’d thought about teaching her to drive and let her know that university could be an option if that was what she wanted. I hadn’t reckoned on things ending.

I move between relief, sadness, tiredness, anger and emptiness. She’s gone and I’m left behind.