Not sure

I’ve been pretty lucky in my foster parenting journey. Most behaviour issues have been school related and home has been a safe place. And while this year has been hard, I have always had the solace that home was safe for her and easier for me.

Something has happened lately…. I wish I knew what was going on. I know in my head that the anger is not directed at me per se, but that I am a ‘safe’ person for her to take it all out on, to push away before she gets hurt again. Knowing this doesn’t help though when you are in the middle of enforcing boundaries, or looking for her when she has run away.

I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to live with my birth family. I was blessed to grow up in a loving family who cared and nurtured me, supported my dreams and allowed me to fly and be me. So I get that I could not possibly ever know the excitement she feels when she’s going to see a sibling she hasn’t seen in a long time, or the pain she feels at having to say goodbye. I don’t know what it’s like to see my mum monthly for an hour in the presence of another ‘safe’ adult.

Tonight I am frustrated, and things have probably only just started to get bad. Conceivably, things are going to get a lot worse before it gets better. And I question myself- did I say the right thing? What should I have done better? Should I say yes to everything she asks for because she’s had everything else taken away in her life?

And then there’s the stuff underneath that l feel about me- why am I not enough? I try so hard and I willingly give so much of me to her, but I’m never enough. But I also know that I probably won’t ever be enough. It doesn’t stop me wanting to be enough though.

I know I can’t save her, but my heart still wants to. And in the end, it’s not about me anyway…

not sure

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