And just like that…

I’ve gone from being a ‘single mum’ foster parent to being single.

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Breaking heart

It’s hard not to take things personally- I have given all of me to love, support and provide her with a home. Yet, I am, and will never be enough. There is nothing I can do.

I’m ready to walk away. I didn’t want to be another person giving up on her, but it turns out I just don’t have the emotional energy to do it anymore. It hurts too much. I’m always waiting for the next crisis or incident. I speak calmly. I give her space to calm down. I give her space to tell her story. I put aside all that I need to be doing at that moment, give her all my attention, support her, love her…

One moment she can be yelling at me to go away, be rude or refuse to do what is asked if her. The next, she’s talking to me as if nothing has happened- that it’s ok to treat me horribly because I am just the carer.

I thought I could do this. Problem is- I don’t know what bit is trauma and what but is teenager.

I’m growing smaller. The pain is getting bigger. And she just walks away.

She doesn’t want me… no one does actually.

How?

How on earth can I explain to Miss 13 that swearing, calling people names and generally being rude and disrespectful is not, and continues to not be, helpful or useful in anyway? In fact, it continues to be a huge stumbling block in her life and it stops her from doing the things she really wants to do.

She doesn’t tell truth- well only that which makes her seem as not the one to blame.

Shame.

Breathing (well trying to)

Anxiety is pretty high at the moment. It hasn’t been the easiest Christmas/ New Year period. I feel like I’m on watch all the time- waiting for the next behaviour ‘explosion’.

Thankfully I have had some time and space just to be, and recuperate and rest. I find it really hard to turn off my brain. I even find myself thinking about my thinking; analysing in an attempt to find some reason and logic.

Everyone tells me I’m doing a good job. The hard work now will pay off in the end. I get that this is trauma and that her behaviour is the only way to let us know what’s going on. I don’t want someone to pat me on the back and say ‘well done’, because I’m not doing this for the accolades.

What I do need is someone or something to help me deal with the huge grief I feel; the anger when all I want is for this all to stop; the hopeless feeling that I can’t do this anymore. Stopping is not an option- neither is giving up. I’m committed for the long term.

I’ve been trying some mindfulness breathing exercises with mixed success- I do know that they are something that needs practice. 15 minutes ago I was in tears and the breathing did help me to calm down. It somehow just feels though that I’m just pushing it all back down and not dealing with it. The grief is still there, trying to push its way back up, needing acknowledgement and healing.