Birthday

We should have celebrated this together today. Yet most of me is relieved that we didn’t- I didn’t have to think of a present for you, think about party options or worry about how you would behave at family celebrations today.

The pain I feel about how bad things were is still there. The pain I feel about losing you is still there.

The anger I feel towards you is still there. I did not deserve to be treated that way.

You did not deserve to be treated in such a way that put you in the care system either. And I’m angry that the system cannot give you what you need.

I don’t have the answers. Anniversary #1 without you. Happy 14th birthday.

Mother’s Day

No, you were never my biological child, but I thought of you as mine. I loved you as if you were. My family loved you as if you were too.

Continually pushed away. Not allowed to call you daughter, or foster daughter. I never wanted to take the place of your real mum- I never could. When things got too big and overwhelming you ran away.

There’s a big, empty hole in my life, in my heart. I miss you.

Mother’s Day was never a big celebration for us, but I hoped in time that you would consider me as a mum-like figure in your life.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you needed.

This mother’s heart is broken.