So I’ve been told to not be so hard on myself. I’m grieving. I’m in survival mode. My tank is low and I need to do some things that will fill my tank.
I’m living in a house that is cluttered, messy and disorganised. My garden needs work- weeds need poisoning; plants to put in the ground.
I’ve lost my joy. I don’t know what to do.
All the medical in the world and it still couldn’t heal your broken heart.
You had a doctor for everything. Dad was always complaining about the number of doctors you saw, the number of appointments. I was worried about all the medication you were on. Why didn’t they know about the blood clots?
I’ve got no where to say it or anyone to tell. Covid19 has got us all so isolated.
everything changed- we both chose it. My prayer is that you are ok, that you have begun to find what you needed.
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you- but however much I gave, what I did or didn’t do… it was never going to be enough. I could never heal anything. But that was not my job.
I was called to love you, and I did that with all my heart- the pain, the frustration, the feelings of helplessness almost broke me, but I did it because that is what I chose to do.
We didn’t get to say goodbye. Goodbye for now. Know that I still, and always will, love you. You will always be my family.
Had a lovely 24 hours or so with one of my nephews sleeping over. We went ice skating and had a lot of fun together. Memories I will cherish forever.
This afternoon I’ve been really teary and upset- a mix, I thought of being cold (I got wet at baseball today) and tired. Unexpectedly, a couple of hours sleep later I’m still upset.
There is evidence everywhere of my nephew being here. Lego on the floor and a tree house Lego sculpture he made for me. Remnants of play dough hair from when he played with my ‘buzz cuts’ play dough toy.
My heart is asking ‘why’? Why did I miss out on having children of my own? What is wrong with me that no one ever wanted to be with me, let alone have a family with me?
I have so much love within me to give and share… and here I am all alone. I get that I’m feeling sorry for myself right now, but it still doesn’t address the underlying desire I have to be a mum.
“Come Thou Fount (I Will Sing)”
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
Oh to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
How Your kindness yet pursues me
How Your mercy never fails me
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
Till the day that death shall loose me
I will sing, oh I will sing
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Chris Tomlin
It’s good to actually feel something and not push it deep down. I didn’t realise though just how deep it was, or how hurt I was. It surprised me.
Grieving and healing is a journey. God is good- I wouldn’t be where I am right now without Him. I’ve got a bit more work than I expected.
and overwhelmed. I’m feeling very low and sad today with no reason that I can think of.
I’ve come off some of my anxiety/depression medication. My choice and I’m still glad I did it. Some of the ‘fog’ I’ve been living in has lifted and I’m feeling things again. But that’s also a problem, as I’m feeling things again, and when it happens unexpectedly or without a reason I get all tied up in my head trying to work out why.
My house is extremely messy which I know is not helping. That’s the overwhelming part- so much to do and I’m not able to do anything. I’m trying to do one small thing at a time, start in one place… it’s just that it’s not as simple as doing one small thing as ‘there’s always a hole in the bucket’ and completing one thing is dependent on something else that needs doing.
And the energy I need to get up and do one thing… wears me out. Ridiculous.
I wish the endorphins from yesterday’s baseball games hung around. Trying to do some creative and fun things for me…
Stop complaining
We should have celebrated this together today. Yet most of me is relieved that we didn’t- I didn’t have to think of a present for you, think about party options or worry about how you would behave at family celebrations today.
The pain I feel about how bad things were is still there. The pain I feel about losing you is still there.
The anger I feel towards you is still there. I did not deserve to be treated that way.
You did not deserve to be treated in such a way that put you in the care system either. And I’m angry that the system cannot give you what you need.
I don’t have the answers. Anniversary #1 without you. Happy 14th birthday.
Echo 