Saying goodbye

Change is hard for me- I resist it.  Feeling exhausted somehow has always seemed better… better than saying no… better than showing that I’m not in control.  This is not the first time I have blogged about change this year- see death, weddings, last update, context and change, etc..  Now ‘depression’ has crashed into my life and change is all I can see.  I let people down.  I’m tired.  I can’t do all the things I have been doing.  Life is a struggle (still… and always will be I know, but even more so).

Had my last music practice for the year last night- all Christmas carols.  Felt very nostaligic all of a sudden.  Two, maybe three services to go and then… who knows.  Have a growing feeling of ‘what am I going to do?’ but I’ll deal with it later.

Read David’s blog today- he’s saying goodbye to Mustard: a lovely 3-legged cat who had lots of character and fight.  Funny jump, but made me realise  I’m going to have to say goodbye to a few things in my crazy life.  Gonna have to step out in faith and see what happens.

It’s still hard to ‘own’ the depression.  Don’t like the label.  A process I guess.



Feeling rather disconnected.  I know things logically, but the emotional me doesn’t agree.  I spose that’s normal, but the gulf seems rather larger than normal.  Still doing dumb stuff like bursting into tears at inane moments.

I’m worried about Christmas- everytime I think of it I just want to hide.  I don’t want to go to my extended family Christmas shindig.  I just don’t have the emotional energy to cope with all the ‘stuff’ that comes with it, and frankly I really can’t be bothered.

I just wrote in Claire’s blog about making adult choices… talk about words coming back to hit you in the face.

I realised this last week that I really don’t like myself.  In fact I don’t know a time when I have liked myself.  Self worth, self image… call it what you will.  I don’t like me.  My cultural tapes (the words that run round my head) say put God first, others next and yourself last.  That’s what I do (some of the time).  Am really good at putting myself last.  And I’m really good at behaving in ways that validate the ‘I’m no good’ tape.

I’m not putting this into words very well.  But here’s the disconnect again- I know (in my head) what I need to do about it, but the emotional won’t follow the lead.