Breathing (well trying to)

Anxiety is pretty high at the moment. It hasn’t been the easiest Christmas/ New Year period. I feel like I’m on watch all the time- waiting for the next behaviour ‘explosion’.

Thankfully I have had some time and space just to be, and recuperate and rest. I find it really hard to turn off my brain. I even find myself thinking about my thinking; analysing in an attempt to find some reason and logic.

Everyone tells me I’m doing a good job. The hard work now will pay off in the end. I get that this is trauma and that her behaviour is the only way to let us know what’s going on. I don’t want someone to pat me on the back and say ‘well done’, because I’m not doing this for the accolades.

What I do need is someone or something to help me deal with the huge grief I feel; the anger when all I want is for this all to stop; the hopeless feeling that I can’t do this anymore. Stopping is not an option- neither is giving up. I’m committed for the long term.

I’ve been trying some mindfulness breathing exercises with mixed success- I do know that they are something that needs practice. 15 minutes ago I was in tears and the breathing did help me to calm down. It somehow just feels though that I’m just pushing it all back down and not dealing with it. The grief is still there, trying to push its way back up, needing acknowledgement and healing.

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