If you’ve been reading my blog since I began you will probably have noticed that change is a theme I have mused, chatted, dribbled… on. In retrospect this blog has become a record of my walk with , in and through depression. I can now say that I am on the other side… I still have struggles and bad days every now and then, but I have come through- and I thank and praise God for that. And guess what? I’ve changed. Mind you I’d be really worried if I hadn’t! I’ve found out stuff about myself, I’ve gotten rid of stuff I didn’t need hanging around, and I’ve had to acknowledge stuff that I didn’t/ don’t like about me that is part of me.
The best thing about the whole process is that I have come from a place where I wanted to change but didn’t know how, to a place where I can embrace and step into change, into different things, make choices where I didn’t feel like I had any. Change is good. Change is painful. Do I wish that I didn’t have to go through the last 2 years? You bet, but today when I’m feeling really good and I can see what God has done in and through me I am glad that I did.
Today I had a job review- I have them every two years for my Christian Pastoral Support Worker job. It’s a process of looking at what has happened over the last 2 years, what worked, what didn’t and then looking forward to the next two years. In my report 2 years ago I wrote that I was glad that my hours had been reduced. I wasn’t coping and it was this job that was suffering because of my busyness and being overwhelmed. In some way I can’t believe that I even wrote it! The job that I loved the most and which gave me the most satisfaction, joy and challenge- I was walking away from it. Today I work 18 hours a week at this job and would love more hours, but I couldn’t do what i do today if I hadn’t taken this walk in and through depression.
And now I’m in the place where I am ready to make more changes- to step into the new, to say goodbye to more of the old. It’s a mixture of exciting and scary. To actively look for a new church home and walk away from a church that I have been involved in and given to for the last 23 years. it’s scary… it’s sad… it’s painful… but I’m ready for the challenge and I’m ready for the change.
It’s time to be accountable for my words.