Change is hard for me- I resist it. Feeling exhausted somehow has always seemed better… better than saying no… better than showing that I’m not in control. This is not the first time I have blogged about change this year- see death, weddings, last update, context and change, etc.. Now ‘depression’ has crashed into my life and change is all I can see. I let people down. I’m tired. I can’t do all the things I have been doing. Life is a struggle (still… and always will be I know, but even more so).
Had my last music practice for the year last night- all Christmas carols. Felt very nostaligic all of a sudden. Two, maybe three services to go and then… who knows. Have a growing feeling of ‘what am I going to do?’ but I’ll deal with it later.
Read David’s blog today- he’s saying goodbye to Mustard: a lovely 3-legged cat who had lots of character and fight. Funny jump, but made me realise I’m going to have to say goodbye to a few things in my crazy life. Gonna have to step out in faith and see what happens.
It’s still hard to ‘own’ the depression. Don’t like the label. A process I guess.