Seem to spend a lot of my time saying that I don’t want to do stuff, running away from people and my commitments.  Then when I do walk away for a while I seem to spend my time blobbing in front of the television or sleeping.  I know I have choices and that I can choose to do something different.  I don’t know.  Part of me thinks I should be better than this.

Am injured again.  I chose something different, something I was looking forward to.  My body just hasn’t held up its end of the bargain.

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Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

More irises.

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Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

I’d love to take the kudos for the magnificent looking irises I have in the backyard, but irises being irises, I’ve done nothing to them over the last 2 years and they are doing their thing in an amazing way this year. I am blessed!

After a 2 year break I decided that I would like to play softball again.  I have been playing it since primary school, and at club since I was 13 (apart from a few seasons).  I was really looking forward to playing today, although a little nervous, and was relieved to get my first safe hit.  Everything going well until I ran- something that I had been doing for the whole match- and ‘backed up’ first base and I felt my left calf muscle tear.  It’s not the first time- I have torn both calf muscles previously- and this time it’s not as bad as before.  Still, there goes being able to go to the gym for a couple of weeks, and I now have a slower start to the season (complete with some rehab).

I’m just frustrated.  Maybe I’m getting old.

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Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

As promised a picture of the girls… better late than never. They still don’t have names but I think they can cope somehow!

If you’ve been reading my blog since I began you will probably have noticed that change is a theme I have mused, chatted, dribbled… on.  In retrospect this blog has become a record of my walk with , in and through depression.  I can now say that I am on the other side… I still have struggles and bad days every now and then, but I have come through- and I thank and praise God for that.  And guess what?  I’ve changed.  Mind you I’d be really worried if I hadn’t!  I’ve found out stuff about myself, I’ve gotten rid of stuff I didn’t need hanging around, and I’ve had to acknowledge stuff that I didn’t/ don’t like about me that is part of me.

The best thing about the whole process is that I have come from a place where I wanted to change but didn’t know how, to a place where I can embrace and step into change, into different things, make choices where I didn’t feel like I had any.  Change is good.  Change is painful.  Do I wish that I didn’t have to go through the last 2 years?  You bet, but today when I’m feeling really good and I can see what God has done in and through me I am glad that I did.

Today I had a job review- I have them every two years for my Christian Pastoral Support Worker job.  It’s a process of looking at what has happened over the last 2 years, what worked, what didn’t and then looking forward to the next two years.  In my report 2 years ago I wrote that I was glad that my hours had been reduced.  I wasn’t coping and it was this job that was suffering because of my busyness and being overwhelmed.  In some way I can’t believe that I even wrote it!  The job that I loved the most and which gave me the most satisfaction, joy and challenge- I was walking away from it.  Today I work 18 hours a week at this job and would love more hours, but I couldn’t do what i do today if I hadn’t taken this walk in and through depression.

And now I’m in the place where I am ready to make more changes- to step into the new, to say goodbye to more of the old.  It’s a mixture of exciting and scary.  To actively look for a new church home and walk away from a church that I have been involved in and given to for the last 23 years.  it’s scary… it’s sad… it’s painful… but I’m ready for the challenge and I’m ready for the change.

It’s time to be accountable for my words.

having a tuesday… nothing new, nothing special, nothing bad. Feel like blogging yet have no burning thought running round my head. I walk into the house and I am in my own safe world, and minutes become hours in the blink of an eye. Had big intentions to work on the outline of a program for school… did a little bit of work and then started to think about other things I hadn’t got around to yet. Now I’m blogging.

my sister is house sitting at the moment… I don’t usually see her much generally so it’s not new for me to be alone. Am missing her company though- maybe it’s just that I haven’t had a chance to get all my 10000 words out today!!

We got some chickens on sunday- I call em ‘the girls’. Have been trying to think of some great names for them, a collection of 5 somethings that I could use. So far the black one is called ‘Blackie’ and the speckled one ‘Speckle’. Real original eh? I’ll have to get a photo for a show and tell. Is a bit windy tonight so I’ll have to go and check on them. Ah the joys of being ‘responsible’.

This week I have come to the conclusion that if I need to be on antidepressants longterm, or for the rest of my life, well then that is what it will have to be. I have wanted so much to come off them- they don’t seem to affect me hugely, as I’m on a very low dose- but they seem to do enough. But I still have off days/weeks. This week I had a couple of bad days, one worse because I pulled myself into a darker place with my thoughts. I knew that my thinking had and still does affect my depression, but I had forgotten just how deep I could be pulled under with unhelpful thoughts. I don’t like having days like that. I guess deep down I don’t like thinking like that, but it seems that it is still a habit underneath it all.

I would love to say that I’m ‘cured’ and that my journey with depression is over, but it seems not quite yet. I need to do some work on my thinking. Just not sure how to do it yet.

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Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

Can you find me?

Last weekend I was up at Woodhouse Activity Centre staying in the Old House. It was a beautiful setting and I really enjoyed the peace and serenity of the environment. Unfortunately I didn’t take any photos of the leaves. I did collect one although I left it in a heated room overnight- dried it out a lot quicker than I was planning. I found the picture below at www.ksphotography.com.au

I really love the colours of autumn, mostly the beautiful deep reds of the prolific deciduous leaves. I made sure I took time to kick my feet in and amongst the leaves that had dropped onto the outdoor chapel. Childish maybe, but it was sure fun.