Don’t want to

Seem to spend a lot of my time saying that I don’t want to do stuff, running away from people and my commitments.  Then when I do walk away for a while I seem to spend my time blobbing in front of the television or sleeping.  I know I have choices and that I can choose to do something different.  I don’t know.  Part of me thinks I should be better than this.

Am injured again.  I chose something different, something I was looking forward to.  My body just hasn’t held up its end of the bargain.

Frustration

After a 2 year break I decided that I would like to play softball again.  I have been playing it since primary school, and at club since I was 13 (apart from a few seasons).  I was really looking forward to playing today, although a little nervous, and was relieved to get my first safe hit.  Everything going well until I ran- something that I had been doing for the whole match- and ‘backed up’ first base and I felt my left calf muscle tear.  It’s not the first time- I have torn both calf muscles previously- and this time it’s not as bad as before.  Still, there goes being able to go to the gym for a couple of weeks, and I now have a slower start to the season (complete with some rehab).

I’m just frustrated.  Maybe I’m getting old.

Tuesday, tuesday

having a tuesday… nothing new, nothing special, nothing bad. Feel like blogging yet have no burning thought running round my head. I walk into the house and I am in my own safe world, and minutes become hours in the blink of an eye. Had big intentions to work on the outline of a program for school… did a little bit of work and then started to think about other things I hadn’t got around to yet. Now I’m blogging.

my sister is house sitting at the moment… I don’t usually see her much generally so it’s not new for me to be alone. Am missing her company though- maybe it’s just that I haven’t had a chance to get all my 10000 words out today!!

We got some chickens on sunday- I call em ‘the girls’. Have been trying to think of some great names for them, a collection of 5 somethings that I could use. So far the black one is called ‘Blackie’ and the speckled one ‘Speckle’. Real original eh? I’ll have to get a photo for a show and tell. Is a bit windy tonight so I’ll have to go and check on them. Ah the joys of being ‘responsible’.

Another week and another lesson (or is it lessons?)

This week I have come to the conclusion that if I need to be on antidepressants longterm, or for the rest of my life, well then that is what it will have to be. I have wanted so much to come off them- they don’t seem to affect me hugely, as I’m on a very low dose- but they seem to do enough. But I still have off days/weeks. This week I had a couple of bad days, one worse because I pulled myself into a darker place with my thoughts. I knew that my thinking had and still does affect my depression, but I had forgotten just how deep I could be pulled under with unhelpful thoughts. I don’t like having days like that. I guess deep down I don’t like thinking like that, but it seems that it is still a habit underneath it all.

I would love to say that I’m ‘cured’ and that my journey with depression is over, but it seems not quite yet. I need to do some work on my thinking. Just not sure how to do it yet.

mSn

Has been the second week of the school holidays- where have they all gone.  School again in Monday.  Hardly feel like I’ve been on holiday, mind you I do do different work which makes my life interesting.  Today is Anzac Day in Australia.  It’s the day when we commemorate and remember the sacrifice Aussies have made on the battlefield.  I was intending to go to the TTG RSL dawn service but  I’m afraid that when my alarm went off at 5:45am, and I’d had maybe 3 hours sleep, my decision making process opted for more sleep.  Didn’t even see the march which 2 of my sisters and a brother were involved in marching bands.  I’d like to go to Gallipoli one day to attend the Dawn Service there.  It will have to be when I’m sleeping better, not having problems waking up in the morning and have some money.  That’s ok- I’m not going to stress about it.

Have just spent 2 hours chatting to my sister through MSN.  Have had a ball!

Last week of term

Hooray it’s the end of term! Eleven weeks makes for a very long term, tired teachers and tired students. Nothing like 2 weeks of holidays to recharge the batteries!

It was another good week, yes again tiring, but I’ve also been doing split shifts with my OSHC work this week too. Have been trying to use my Choice Theory training in my interactions with the children. It was great when the Principal walked into my office in the middle of me working with children to see us working on the Total Behaviour Car- she could back up what we were doing and continue to encourage the children to take responsibility for their behaviour.

I’ve been thinking lots about choices the last couple of days. In the past 18 months and my journey in and through depression and anxiety I have finally seen that I do have choices, and that I can make choices for myself. For me, depression was a place where I felt frozen and out of control, controlled by my circumstances and my out of control emotions. Mind you, they were feelings that I had pushed and pushed down, and not dealt with. Well, finally I’ve had to deal with them. Anyway, now I’m starting to see the responsibility that is linked with taking control, with making choices, especially when there are things that I don’t necessarily want to do, but that I need to do. There’s probably nothing new or life shattering in that, but for me it is something that shows me that I’m moving and changing and growing and still questioning. And that’s good.

Jane

To read or not to read…

I find it interesting to note the dilemma I find myself in- and even that I need to write about it.  Spoiled myself today by purchasing the fourth book in the ‘Sunday Philosophy Club’ Series by Alexander McCall Smith, called “The Careful Use of Compliments”.  The name of the book is really not important to what I am trying to say, however it’s content is.  I am caught between wanting to sit and read it and wanting to savour the expereince and draw the reading out for as long as I can.  I remember distinctly how I felt after finishing the previous book and being sad.  I already missed by friends- Isabel, Cat and Jamie.  I will admit that when I read I become totally absorbed in the story as if I’m there.

The other funny thing (well at least I find it so) is that the books are about a Philosopher- someone who thinks lots about the ethics of living, living in her head and thinking before making any decision.  And I am someone who, my psych so deftly pointed out, who lives a lot in my head.  I spend a lot of time by myself, quite happily so, but it doesn’t make for much conversation… so I think and pray.

I want to read the book, yet I also know that there is currently no book number 5.   What to do?  Does it really matter?  Does it make for an interesting blog post?  It beats complaining about life.

I know there are far more important things in this world to think about.  It’s just where I am today.

Nothing much to say really

that’s why you haven’t heard from me for a while… got sick of complaining… want something good to say… just over it all

off to Surfers this week- looking forward to getting away

The black hole

I can feel myself falling further and further into it… yet I know I have choices…

have managed to function fairly well lately- got stuff done that I needed to… then I got in the way

my coping method is to ignore it all, push it away and forget (well try to) about it

I’m drowning again and I don’t know how to stop myself

what’s better- not functioning and unhappy, or functioning and unhappy?

Feeling proud

I finally finished the jumper I have been knitting for Mitchell (nephew no 1.).  Started it last year… put it away in a box when I moved… forgot about it… couldn’t find it… found it and finished it!  I used a circular knitting needle for the first time- needed it for the collar.

I like finishing things… gives me a sense of accomplishment.  (Also one less thing for me to store… sigh- I have too many started projects).  I’ll have to find someone with a camera to take a photo of it for me to put up on here.