the walk

If you’ve been reading my blog since I began you will probably have noticed that change is a theme I have mused, chatted, dribbled… on.  In retrospect this blog has become a record of my walk with , in and through depression.  I can now say that I am on the other side… I still have struggles and bad days every now and then, but I have come through- and I thank and praise God for that.  And guess what?  I’ve changed.  Mind you I’d be really worried if I hadn’t!  I’ve found out stuff about myself, I’ve gotten rid of stuff I didn’t need hanging around, and I’ve had to acknowledge stuff that I didn’t/ don’t like about me that is part of me.

The best thing about the whole process is that I have come from a place where I wanted to change but didn’t know how, to a place where I can embrace and step into change, into different things, make choices where I didn’t feel like I had any.  Change is good.  Change is painful.  Do I wish that I didn’t have to go through the last 2 years?  You bet, but today when I’m feeling really good and I can see what God has done in and through me I am glad that I did.

Today I had a job review- I have them every two years for my Christian Pastoral Support Worker job.  It’s a process of looking at what has happened over the last 2 years, what worked, what didn’t and then looking forward to the next two years.  In my report 2 years ago I wrote that I was glad that my hours had been reduced.  I wasn’t coping and it was this job that was suffering because of my busyness and being overwhelmed.  In some way I can’t believe that I even wrote it!  The job that I loved the most and which gave me the most satisfaction, joy and challenge- I was walking away from it.  Today I work 18 hours a week at this job and would love more hours, but I couldn’t do what i do today if I hadn’t taken this walk in and through depression.

And now I’m in the place where I am ready to make more changes- to step into the new, to say goodbye to more of the old.  It’s a mixture of exciting and scary.  To actively look for a new church home and walk away from a church that I have been involved in and given to for the last 23 years.  it’s scary… it’s sad… it’s painful… but I’m ready for the challenge and I’m ready for the change.

It’s time to be accountable for my words.

conference 2008

conference 2008

Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

Can you find me?

Last week of term

Hooray it’s the end of term! Eleven weeks makes for a very long term, tired teachers and tired students. Nothing like 2 weeks of holidays to recharge the batteries!

It was another good week, yes again tiring, but I’ve also been doing split shifts with my OSHC work this week too. Have been trying to use my Choice Theory training in my interactions with the children. It was great when the Principal walked into my office in the middle of me working with children to see us working on the Total Behaviour Car- she could back up what we were doing and continue to encourage the children to take responsibility for their behaviour.

I’ve been thinking lots about choices the last couple of days. In the past 18 months and my journey in and through depression and anxiety I have finally seen that I do have choices, and that I can make choices for myself. For me, depression was a place where I felt frozen and out of control, controlled by my circumstances and my out of control emotions. Mind you, they were feelings that I had pushed and pushed down, and not dealt with. Well, finally I’ve had to deal with them. Anyway, now I’m starting to see the responsibility that is linked with taking control, with making choices, especially when there are things that I don’t necessarily want to do, but that I need to do. There’s probably nothing new or life shattering in that, but for me it is something that shows me that I’m moving and changing and growing and still questioning. And that’s good.

Jane

What a week

I had a good week this week- what no complaining I hear you say.  Yes it was a good week and although I find myself exhausted, it’s a good exhausted.  This week I finally started my extended hours as Christian Pastoral Support Worker at Dernancourt Schools.  The school won some of the National Chaplaincy funding last year, but it has taken a while for the money to get through.

At first I was concerned that I wouldn’t know what to fill the 18 hours with, but I soon found that I could fill them and more.  Today I was overwhelmed with students wanting to see me and I filled my three hours and completed four.  And I wanted to, and could, give more than the minimum.  It was liberating to realise.  Now I know that it’s not going to be always easy in the following weeks, and I will struggle… and complain again, but today I am happy.  I feel like I have been able to give… that I have been able to do that thing which enthuses and (dare I say it) gives me some kind of purpose.  I am thankful.

Hello

Have decided to not get bogged down into ‘depression’ mode.  I don’t have the right words to really describe what is going on so I’m not going to try.

Have follwed up on my decision re church (see Made a Decision).  I took myself off the music roster for 3 months and took myself off the ‘Kids Spot’ roster altogether.  Still on cleaning but that’s ok for now.  I visited Northside Christian Life Centre (? not sure if correct name) over the last 2 weeks- one morning and one evening service.  Haven’t been there for about 10 years so was good to see how it was going.  Might appear to be a huge leap going from an Anglican church to an AOG, but it’s not that large a leap for me.  Doesn’t feel like ‘home’, but I’m comfortable enough to go by myself (even with all my baggage and protective walls!).  I’m working on it.

School goes back next week- where has January gone?  Am happy to go back to my CPS work if I can make some changes, which I can do as I have a lot of choice about what I do at the school.  Is going to be weird though- can I be a support to the children and their families while struggling myself?  Not sure yet, but we’ll see.

No longer a Chaplain… but

Term 3 starts today, and I’m now, officially, a Christian Pastoral Support Worker.  Work out an acronym for that!

Christian Pastoral Support Worker

Well we have our new name.  No longer School Chaplains (well not until term 3).

Does it feel clumsy?  Yes.
Does it feel all wierd?  Yes.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what we are called.  What an awesome privilege to be able to work in the school system and support the staff and families whose children attend.

Chaplaincy- student wellbeing

Attended a teacher training and development day today. Second time I've been asked (in 4 years) but the first I've actually been able to attend.

Very interesting- I seem to enjoy learning about such subjects. Gets my brain whirring and thinking about possibilities. Concerns me though- it was only my discussion group that actually talked about using the Chaplain (I didn't bring it up) as a tool for assisting in student and therefore whole of school wellbeing.

Has given me lots to think about my role and visibility in the Schools. I knew I had work still to do (there are some things like information pamphlets and posters which I should have done years ago- my fault) but I had thought that my visibility would be higher in the Primary School. And not just my visibility, but possibilities and ideas about my involvement in the classroom and the School community.

So much work to do… so little time!