the walk

If you’ve been reading my blog since I began you will probably have noticed that change is a theme I have mused, chatted, dribbled… on.  In retrospect this blog has become a record of my walk with , in and through depression.  I can now say that I am on the other side… I still have struggles and bad days every now and then, but I have come through- and I thank and praise God for that.  And guess what?  I’ve changed.  Mind you I’d be really worried if I hadn’t!  I’ve found out stuff about myself, I’ve gotten rid of stuff I didn’t need hanging around, and I’ve had to acknowledge stuff that I didn’t/ don’t like about me that is part of me.

The best thing about the whole process is that I have come from a place where I wanted to change but didn’t know how, to a place where I can embrace and step into change, into different things, make choices where I didn’t feel like I had any.  Change is good.  Change is painful.  Do I wish that I didn’t have to go through the last 2 years?  You bet, but today when I’m feeling really good and I can see what God has done in and through me I am glad that I did.

Today I had a job review- I have them every two years for my Christian Pastoral Support Worker job.  It’s a process of looking at what has happened over the last 2 years, what worked, what didn’t and then looking forward to the next two years.  In my report 2 years ago I wrote that I was glad that my hours had been reduced.  I wasn’t coping and it was this job that was suffering because of my busyness and being overwhelmed.  In some way I can’t believe that I even wrote it!  The job that I loved the most and which gave me the most satisfaction, joy and challenge- I was walking away from it.  Today I work 18 hours a week at this job and would love more hours, but I couldn’t do what i do today if I hadn’t taken this walk in and through depression.

And now I’m in the place where I am ready to make more changes- to step into the new, to say goodbye to more of the old.  It’s a mixture of exciting and scary.  To actively look for a new church home and walk away from a church that I have been involved in and given to for the last 23 years.  it’s scary… it’s sad… it’s painful… but I’m ready for the challenge and I’m ready for the change.

It’s time to be accountable for my words.

the vault

saw my pysch last week… don’t get me wrong, it is helpful… I guess I want to put all the pieces together faster than they are happening

seems I have this ‘vault’- don’t let anything in or out (my protection mechanism)

seems like the stuff in the vault needs to come out

problem is, I don’t know how to let some of this stuff out, and when it does come out, I don’t know how to deal with it, or I think that the timing is inappropriate so I push it back in

I don’t like what I see and I’m having a lot of trouble reconciling what I thought I was to what I actually see

and I’m pushing away some of the people who are closest to me… I can’t stop it… I want to reach out to them but the pull to protect myself is bigger

if you can’t find me- I’m stuck in the vault

seeking connections

trying to put it all together…

-psych

I have access to my thoughts
my thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) influence my feelings

-Choice Theory (William Glasser)

5 basic needs- survival, love & belonging, power, freedom, fun

I choose what I feel
I choose in order to achieve happiness

(is explained better here… )

- seeking connection

things are getting better

Saying goodbye

Change is hard for me- I resist it.  Feeling exhausted somehow has always seemed better… better than saying no… better than showing that I’m not in control.  This is not the first time I have blogged about change this year- see death, weddings, last update, context and change, etc..  Now ‘depression’ has crashed into my life and change is all I can see.  I let people down.  I’m tired.  I can’t do all the things I have been doing.  Life is a struggle (still… and always will be I know, but even more so).

Had my last music practice for the year last night- all Christmas carols.  Felt very nostaligic all of a sudden.  Two, maybe three services to go and then… who knows.  Have a growing feeling of ‘what am I going to do?’ but I’ll deal with it later.

Read David’s blog today- he’s saying goodbye to Mustard: a lovely 3-legged cat who had lots of character and fight.  Funny jump, but made me realise  I’m going to have to say goodbye to a few things in my crazy life.  Gonna have to step out in faith and see what happens.

It’s still hard to ‘own’ the depression.  Don’t like the label.  A process I guess.

Death

I know it’s easy to get very philosophical about death and dying after being to a funeral, but the recent death of a family friend has caused some discussion between my brother, sister and me.  I even found myself talking about it at fellowship the other night.

After talking at work today about a totally unrelated subject, Dave pointed me to a talk by Steve Jobs (inventor and designer of Apple Mac) to a graduating class at Stamford University.  I thought some of what Steve talked about was interesting, adding to all my thoughts about it all.  Steve says:

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything Ð all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.

If you’d like to read it in context, go here.
Interesting link- Christian Funeral/ Wake Music List here.

Weddings

On May 22 I wrote, what I called, Song for Today .  On that day, as on other days in the past twelve years, I was mourning my singleness, and wondering if I would ever meet 'that special someone'.

Today I was reading Postsecret and came across a postcard that I would normally easily relate too. But today is different- I don't know why but it is. Do I want to get married? Yes. Have I met someone? No. Maybe it's the hope/change thing I've been thinking about lately.

Maybe I've just decided that life is for living and I can't postpone it waiting for 'him'. (Don't get me wrong, I may collapse into a heap of self pity tomorrow or the next day/ week/ month, but for today, I'm ok).

Change is good.

Last update on change (well for now anyway)

Some of you might be glad to know that my posting on change will be stopping for now.  I didn't get the job.  I'm in the middle of being disappointed and trying to be positive about it all.  In hindsight (all 24 hours of it) it was a huge distraction.  It seemed to affect everything I did and was always at the back of my mind. 

At the beginning of the process I was concerned that I would get my hopes up for nothing.  But I don't think it has all been for nothing.  Change has happened- not what I was hoping for, but change nevertheless.  What it is I'm not too sure.  And that's ok.

Context and change

As a beginner blogger I appreciate all the comments and suggestions I can get re blogging. David pointed out that I need to put some of this stuff into context. I tried, but I'm going to have to work on it. Please be patient with me.

For more reading, the journey starts with Musings on Change.

Next update on change

I think the word really should be WAIT! Change, if it's even going to happen, is going slowly. Two days later and I'm not so worried about the interview- well I can't change my responses anyway. Am wishing though that I clarified one point. Oh well.

Update on change

Had the medical today. Interview next week. Just want to get this whole thing over with now. Bring on the change!!