Echo

having a tuesday… nothing new, nothing special, nothing bad. Feel like blogging yet have no burning thought running round my head. I walk into the house and I am in my own safe world, and minutes become hours in the blink of an eye. Had big intentions to work on the outline of a program for school… did a little bit of work and then started to think about other things I hadn’t got around to yet. Now I’m blogging.

my sister is house sitting at the moment… I don’t usually see her much generally so it’s not new for me to be alone. Am missing her company though- maybe it’s just that I haven’t had a chance to get all my 10000 words out today!!

We got some chickens on sunday- I call em ‘the girls’. Have been trying to think of some great names for them, a collection of 5 somethings that I could use. So far the black one is called ‘Blackie’ and the speckled one ‘Speckle’. Real original eh? I’ll have to get a photo for a show and tell. Is a bit windy tonight so I’ll have to go and check on them. Ah the joys of being ‘responsible’.

This week I have come to the conclusion that if I need to be on antidepressants longterm, or for the rest of my life, well then that is what it will have to be. I have wanted so much to come off them- they don’t seem to affect me hugely, as I’m on a very low dose- but they seem to do enough. But I still have off days/weeks. This week I had a couple of bad days, one worse because I pulled myself into a darker place with my thoughts. I knew that my thinking had and still does affect my depression, but I had forgotten just how deep I could be pulled under with unhelpful thoughts. I don’t like having days like that. I guess deep down I don’t like thinking like that, but it seems that it is still a habit underneath it all.

I would love to say that I’m ‘cured’ and that my journey with depression is over, but it seems not quite yet. I need to do some work on my thinking. Just not sure how to do it yet.

conference 2008

Originally uploaded by Jane Adamson.

Can you find me?

Last weekend I was up at Woodhouse Activity Centre staying in the Old House. It was a beautiful setting and I really enjoyed the peace and serenity of the environment. Unfortunately I didn’t take any photos of the leaves. I did collect one although I left it in a heated room overnight- dried it out a lot quicker than I was planning. I found the picture below at www.ksphotography.com.au

I really love the colours of autumn, mostly the beautiful deep reds of the prolific deciduous leaves. I made sure I took time to kick my feet in and amongst the leaves that had dropped onto the outdoor chapel. Childish maybe, but it was sure fun.

Has been the second week of the school holidays- where have they all gone.  School again in Monday.  Hardly feel like I’ve been on holiday, mind you I do do different work which makes my life interesting.  Today is Anzac Day in Australia.  It’s the day when we commemorate and remember the sacrifice Aussies have made on the battlefield.  I was intending to go to the TTG RSL dawn service but  I’m afraid that when my alarm went off at 5:45am, and I’d had maybe 3 hours sleep, my decision making process opted for more sleep.  Didn’t even see the march which 2 of my sisters and a brother were involved in marching bands.  I’d like to go to Gallipoli one day to attend the Dawn Service there.  It will have to be when I’m sleeping better, not having problems waking up in the morning and have some money.  That’s ok- I’m not going to stress about it.

Have just spent 2 hours chatting to my sister through MSN.  Have had a ball!

It has been school holidays this week in Adelaide- one more week left and back to school again. I’ve been working Vacation Care which I find more fun than the normal everyday Outside School Hours Care. And really it should be, because who really wants to go to school in the holidays! Yesterday we went on an excursion to the St. Kilda Adventure Playground. I haven’t been there for years, and although I was the ‘adult supervision’ it was fun (and secretly I wanted to go down the big slippery dip). I remember going there when I was younger and having a ball. Well done to the City of Salisbury for continuing to develop and expand the playground in a time where it seems that lots of the fun (and risk) has been removed from adventure playgrounds because of soaring Insurance Premiums.

I find the whole concept of going to school in your holidays weird to get my head around (even though I work in the industry). I grew up in a time and place where most of my peers mothers were stay at home mums and it was the dad that went to work. Maybe once or twice- a day here or there- I went to a school holiday program, and I particularly remember hating being at one program. School holidays were the time when I could hang out at home and do things with my family. Now before you all yell at me and say that it is a different time, not all families are the same, and mortgages need two incomes to support them etc, etc, I know. But I do wonder what a child loses when they can no longer just hang out and do fun things at home.

Hooray it’s the end of term! Eleven weeks makes for a very long term, tired teachers and tired students. Nothing like 2 weeks of holidays to recharge the batteries!

It was another good week, yes again tiring, but I’ve also been doing split shifts with my OSHC work this week too. Have been trying to use my Choice Theory training in my interactions with the children. It was great when the Principal walked into my office in the middle of me working with children to see us working on the Total Behaviour Car- she could back up what we were doing and continue to encourage the children to take responsibility for their behaviour.

I’ve been thinking lots about choices the last couple of days. In the past 18 months and my journey in and through depression and anxiety I have finally seen that I do have choices, and that I can make choices for myself. For me, depression was a place where I felt frozen and out of control, controlled by my circumstances and my out of control emotions. Mind you, they were feelings that I had pushed and pushed down, and not dealt with. Well, finally I’ve had to deal with them. Anyway, now I’m starting to see the responsibility that is linked with taking control, with making choices, especially when there are things that I don’t necessarily want to do, but that I need to do. There’s probably nothing new or life shattering in that, but for me it is something that shows me that I’m moving and changing and growing and still questioning. And that’s good.

Jane

I had a good week this week- what no complaining I hear you say.  Yes it was a good week and although I find myself exhausted, it’s a good exhausted.  This week I finally started my extended hours as Christian Pastoral Support Worker at Dernancourt Schools.  The school won some of the National Chaplaincy funding last year, but it has taken a while for the money to get through.

At first I was concerned that I wouldn’t know what to fill the 18 hours with, but I soon found that I could fill them and more.  Today I was overwhelmed with students wanting to see me and I filled my three hours and completed four.  And I wanted to, and could, give more than the minimum.  It was liberating to realise.  Now I know that it’s not going to be always easy in the following weeks, and I will struggle… and complain again, but today I am happy.  I feel like I have been able to give… that I have been able to do that thing which enthuses and (dare I say it) gives me some kind of purpose.  I am thankful.

go here

http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/004430.html

I find it interesting to note the dilemma I find myself in- and even that I need to write about it.  Spoiled myself today by purchasing the fourth book in the ‘Sunday Philosophy Club’ Series by Alexander McCall Smith, called “The Careful Use of Compliments”.  The name of the book is really not important to what I am trying to say, however it’s content is.  I am caught between wanting to sit and read it and wanting to savour the expereince and draw the reading out for as long as I can.  I remember distinctly how I felt after finishing the previous book and being sad.  I already missed by friends- Isabel, Cat and Jamie.  I will admit that when I read I become totally absorbed in the story as if I’m there.

The other funny thing (well at least I find it so) is that the books are about a Philosopher- someone who thinks lots about the ethics of living, living in her head and thinking before making any decision.  And I am someone who, my psych so deftly pointed out, who lives a lot in my head.  I spend a lot of time by myself, quite happily so, but it doesn’t make for much conversation… so I think and pray.

I want to read the book, yet I also know that there is currently no book number 5.   What to do?  Does it really matter?  Does it make for an interesting blog post?  It beats complaining about life.

I know there are far more important things in this world to think about.  It’s just where I am today.